Tuesday, October 21, 2008

So much to say, and so little time

Irrationality.

This word sums up my month. I've been irrational, my perspectives irrational... Ever since we've taken 2C's classroom, I've felt this... oppressive sensation about it, yet I didn't know why or how it came about - it just felt wrong, so very wrong, to be inside. In there, I feel uncomfortable, not myself; everytime I left, I became more cheerful, more "energetic", so to speak. I didn't realize till last week, but ever since, I've tried my best to not stay in it, least of all alone.

Then there's my life. I've regally screwed it up, taking so many wrong steps, again and again - now, I almost regret having even stepped into HPPS. I've met nice people, and some not so nice; this whole confusion and metacognition thing is wearing me down. I hate the idiot who invented the 16 Habits of Mind and I hate having learnt to reflect. I'd rather live oblivious to my surroundings.

I owe everyone an insight, an insight into how I live and what actually goes on in my head, if anything goes on at all. First of all, I'm stingy - that much, I admit. Forced by my surroundings, I've had to live frugal from young - $1 a day in Primary School is hardly enough to sustain life, much less say to hang out, buy clothes and presents. From young, I haven't had any much enjoyments, and that meant that I lacked social life. My only advantage back then was, ironically, my Chinese - it was a powerful weapon, and yet that weapon was double-edged - with it, I hurt myself, and in ways I didn't even begin to comprehend till last year.

Then there's my ignorance. Upbringing is the process of shaping a human, or so the Chinese believe - I was brought up to respect, to follow decisions without question; almost befitting of the dog star I was born under. I meekly followed, and yet I could still feel what people thought, felt, meant. I could sense the disdain of some of my extended family, how they looked down upon us, for being poor, not as successful... at 11, I could stand no more. I couldn't just be oppressed like that, just follow the will like some little dog... I had to have some independence.

I had no idea what I was missing out when I decided to study hard. In return for getting exceptional results for a term or two, I sacrificed what little friends I had; I sacrificed my entire being, my soul, for that little scrap of revenge. I had an insight into how "mugging" was actually like, working till and through midnight, books sprawled all over my table. All my life, I hadn't studied, and this change was unwelcome. The dawning came less than a year later; towards the end of P6, I suddenly realized how much I was missing out, how little I interacted - not only because of my doings, but because of the background I was born in; the Chinese called this "先天运", meaning "pre-ordained luck". I was fated to end up this way, and this way, I would accept. I had questions, of course, but I suppressed them.

And yet it wasn't enough. Not understanding hurt; in that aspect, I resemble Gabriel Gray. I had to understand, not only what people said, but also what people thought; I wanted back my easy acceptance of inferences, of how I could sense the thoughts of other people. Above all, I needed to understand current affairs. And that was when the Internet kicked in. Wiki was a fantastic source of information - then up and coming, I was one of the first few people who utilized it; not much, but I still did.

Towards the end of PSLE, I had to suffer going to the shop, the shop where my uncle and aunt worked. I was pretty fine there, but something told me of displeasure, told me of some undercurrent of hate. I had no idea how and why, but I was determined to excel, to prove myself. Then I stepped into HCI, and learnt then, how little and insignificant I was. I fell in love with nature, with the greater world, and how every piece fitted in to form the beautiful murals. I was moved by simple things like music, something, anything, that was soothing to my nerves.

But there still lay the problem of excelling - I had to find untouched fields, to find places and directions that nobody in my family had ever tread. I finally decided on current knowledge. I read up on everything I could; every little reference in books, I checked up. I went to the extent of scouring libraries for information on that particular topic. The sprawling web kept going on, with me completing books only once every day; then I had to read a second and third time, to let the book's meaning itself sink in, and not only that of the individual words.

You'll find my inventory of topics interesting - they ranged every subject, from archeology to zoology; I had a little bit of every information embedded in my brain, ready to be recalled and expounded on at any time. I read about the LHC from Dan Brown's books long before the project was announced; I read about the NSA, about their exploits, about TRANSLTR. From then, I gained interest in technology, especially in the programming part - whilst people were immersed in the miracles of Microsoft Word, I was busy trying to understand how every function worked; although I didn't succeed, I still gained a glimpse into the powers of programming, and about the different languages.

Truth be told, programs are hard to write; there are the born writers, and then there are the editors; I fall into the latter category. The only thing I can do with programs is to dissect the code, understand how they worked, and work on it to suit my needs or make it better.

Then the fiasco came; perhaps I was momentarily affected by a mood swing, but I was really unhappy with my life right then, and took a big risk which spiraled into a vicious cycle. Although I came out relatively unharmed, it left a particularly deep scar on me, a scar which I would remember as long as I've lived. Of why, I can only say this:

People who have never lived through it will never understand, never understand the need that pushes us to eat meager amounts for meals, to slog our guts out doing work that makes no sense to others. I can't simply waltz into Vivo with friends to shop, to buy stuff and impress others; I can't even get a girl, both by looks and by monetary possessions. I can't buy little presents, can't.... plenty of things. Nobody will ever understand how I feel unless by miracle, everyone became as poor as me. Meanwhile, people will just stand there, mockingly laughing before carrying on shopping and hanging out with their friends, continuing being "cool". Perhaps that's why I hang out with the "outcasts" - not Tim, Chun and Bralee. By that, I mean people who are hated by the class, discriminated for certain, different reasons.

People who may understand a little more than others.

And yet nobody will ever piece who I truly am, til the day comes where I decide to revenge.

More to come when I have the mood.

Posted by Denunciator at 5:48 PM